Depression

It's a terrible thing. But depression is definitely the word of the day. Nearly 3 months of being very sick on top of discovering I can't play any of my PS2 games on my PS3 at all is making me feel like life is worthless. And, 4 months of waiting for a promised contract for a story that means the world to me is dragging me down. I just don't feel any hope about anything.

Drowning Pool

Ever feel like you are drowning and can't swim to the surface? That's how I feel lately. The weight of a thousands of gallons of water pressing me down into the depths. Too many things at once and none of them really positive.

I have a guaranteed 2 acceptances from my publisher. Great news right? You'd think. One, she's holding them back so people don't think she's playing favorites. Of course if people knew the second part, they'd never think that. I've gotten a rejection and that she is sending on to me. The rejection is for my favorite story too.

That's small potatoes though compared to the rest. My mom has a surgery coming up that she's not looking forward to. It was scheduled once but she couldn't handle it and cancelled. Now the closer it gets to April 15th the more manic she's becoming. And unfortunately, I'm the only target she has.

My cat is sneezing up a storm so I'm worried about her. I don't have the money to take her to the vet right now. So I'm left just feeling really afraid. My mom is warring with her line editor and again, I'm the nearest target so I get the abuse. And I'm getting flashbacks more often about the things my father did.

Also, thanks to the rejection for "passive voice" people are talking about things like backstory and how it shouldn't be in the story. Now I'm questioning if I even should be a writer or just hand in the towel. I feel so alone. I have no one to talk to. I can't talk to Mom because she's under enough strain. My brother is a jerk and I have no real friends who like me for me. They all tag along with me because they like my mom.

So here I sit, and I feel like I'm drowning with no way out of the pool. I don't know what to do.