Depression

It's a terrible thing. But depression is definitely the word of the day. Nearly 3 months of being very sick on top of discovering I can't play any of my PS2 games on my PS3 at all is making me feel like life is worthless. And, 4 months of waiting for a promised contract for a story that means the world to me is dragging me down. I just don't feel any hope about anything.

Drowning Pool

Ever feel like you are drowning and can't swim to the surface? That's how I feel lately. The weight of a thousands of gallons of water pressing me down into the depths. Too many things at once and none of them really positive.

I have a guaranteed 2 acceptances from my publisher. Great news right? You'd think. One, she's holding them back so people don't think she's playing favorites. Of course if people knew the second part, they'd never think that. I've gotten a rejection and that she is sending on to me. The rejection is for my favorite story too.

That's small potatoes though compared to the rest. My mom has a surgery coming up that she's not looking forward to. It was scheduled once but she couldn't handle it and cancelled. Now the closer it gets to April 15th the more manic she's becoming. And unfortunately, I'm the only target she has.

My cat is sneezing up a storm so I'm worried about her. I don't have the money to take her to the vet right now. So I'm left just feeling really afraid. My mom is warring with her line editor and again, I'm the nearest target so I get the abuse. And I'm getting flashbacks more often about the things my father did.

Also, thanks to the rejection for "passive voice" people are talking about things like backstory and how it shouldn't be in the story. Now I'm questioning if I even should be a writer or just hand in the towel. I feel so alone. I have no one to talk to. I can't talk to Mom because she's under enough strain. My brother is a jerk and I have no real friends who like me for me. They all tag along with me because they like my mom.

So here I sit, and I feel like I'm drowning with no way out of the pool. I don't know what to do.

Beyond Livid!

At first I just felt sorry for Franny Armstrong. I mean, I can understand just how loyal she is to Red Rose Publishing and doesn't really want to believe that they are acting in ways that are NOT designed to help their authors.

I totally understood, even though I am NOT the one who went to Dear Author in spite of the fact that they used my blog entry, that she blamed me for this mess. She could see her own work sinking attached to this house so yes, I felt sorry for her. That is...until now. Now, I have no sympathy whatsoever.

Franny Armstrong went into one of my mom's blogs and commented that I do nothing but hurt people on my blogs and don't care about any of the people who will be hurt if Red Rose Publishing goes under. Then she accused me of being a Mel Gibson type person who's callous nature was akin to his anti-Jewish vitriol.

First off on Dear Author Franny Armstrong had accused me of slander. The technical term is libel not slander when it's written. So she got that wrong. Two, it's only libel if anything I'd written were untrue which it's not. I can back up everything I said. But what she put on my mom's blog, Franny if you ever see this...THAT IS LIBEL!

So my dear Franny Armstrong, I no longer feel any sympathy for you at all. As far as I am concerned you can sink in the mire along with Red Rose and Wendi Felter. And, just like Wendi, you have no one to blame but yourself. But I have no doubt that just like Wendi, you'll still blame it all on me. Grow up!

Desperation

I'm working on a truly great story that thus far, I'm really proud of. But so far, I've only a chapter and a half of the story. I can't seem to make myself sit down and write no matter what I try. It's driving me crazy.

It's not writer's block. I know exactly where the story is going and what I want to put down. I just can't make myself do it. I don't know. Maybe I've lost the desire to write. And if that's the case, then what's the point? What use do I have. I'm completely useless around the house. Without writing, what was I put on the earth to do? Do I even have a purpose?

Now Open!

This isn't a blog I'm going to openly share, it's just a place for me to talk about the things I can't discuss on my writing blog. It's my own personal diary. I don't I'll update it often but every now and then, I just need to talk and vent. So, my new blog is officially open.